Signed: Ramone in West Valley

Dear Ramone in West Valley:

Utah is God’s finest creation right after portable toilets and cup holders in movie theaters. A “Shout Out” to everyone in West Valley. I used to live there when I was first starting out and couldn’t afford anything better. The state lottery, or as it’s referred to by many Mormons, “Satan’s Foreplay”, is now legal in 31 states. While I am flattered by the Mormon’s reference if I actually practiced foreplay I would not now be knee deep in alimony.

There was a little known and highly unsuccessful lottery in Utah a couple of years ago involving scratcher tickets. The first grand prize was a weekend in Provo with Marie Osmond. Unfortunately only three tickets were sold, two of them to Donny Osmond. The third by a medic on “Dancing With The Stars”. The lottery was secretly phased out and never spoken about in public again. I still get a laugh out of it though.

I have visited several Utah legislators in their dreams and spoke often about a Utah lottery. Most of them wouldn’t listen and those who did weren’t very convincing in their disguises either. One lawmaker, dressed as Sammy Davis Jr. on a Merry-Go-Round, said he would support legislation calling for a Utah lottery but wanted Celine Deon’s home phone number. Satan doesn’t play that game.

You can be certain I am working my forked tail off throughout Utah to convince legislators and the public that a lottery is just what Utah needs. I have a great deal of time on my hands once Utah finally landed the Olympics many years ago. I am working 24-7 on this matter and will get back to you in a dream. (I’ll be the one in a red prairie skirt)

Sincerely,

Satan

P.S. Your brother-in-law knows about the snow blower.

The Dating Game (Click)

I appeared as Bachelor #1 and was billed as Biff Nerd, a character from my standup comedy routine more than thirty years ago. Jaye P. Morgan was the celebrity bachelorette and although she turned the trip down I won a week's vacation in Bogota, Colombia just for making an ass out of myself on a national TV show.