Tom Neuhoff
"Funnier Than You"
(818) 324-6342
5 Reasons Why You Should Hire Me As A Comedy Writer
1) I'm cheaper than Paris Hilton on ecstasy.
2) The money I earned from selling the Rob Lowe/Judge Judy sex tape has run out.
3) You won't be the dumbest one in the room any room.
4) I have more time on my hands now that my community service has been served.
5) I get out of rehab on Tuesday.
“Satan’s Corner”
Dear Satan:
Why can’t there be a state lottery in Utah? I’m tired of driving my uncle Joseph to the state line. He doesn’t chip in for gas and, quite frankly, his disguises are no longer very convincing.
Signed: Ramone in West Valley
Dear Ramone in West Valley:
Utah is God’s finest creation right after portable toilets and cup holders in movie theaters. A “Shout Out” to everyone in West Valley. I used to live there when I was first starting out and couldn’t afford anything better. The state lottery, or as it’s referred to by many Mormons, “Satan’s Foreplay”, is now legal in 31 states. While I am flattered by the Mormon’s reference if I actually practiced foreplay I would not now be knee deep in alimony.
There was a little known and highly unsuccessful lottery in Utah a couple of years ago involving scratcher tickets. The first grand prize was a weekend in Provo with Marie Osmond. Unfortunately only three tickets were sold, two of them to Donny Osmond. The third by a medic on “Dancing With The Stars”. The lottery was secretly phased out and never spoken about in public again. I still get a laugh out of it though.
I have visited several Utah legislators in their dreams and spoke often about a Utah lottery. Most of them wouldn’t listen and those who did weren’t very convincing in their disguises either. One lawmaker, dressed as Sammy Davis Jr. on a Merry-Go-Round, said he would support legislation calling for a Utah lottery but wanted Celine Deon’s home phone number. Satan doesn’t play that game.
You can be certain I am working my forked tail off throughout Utah to convince legislators and the public that a lottery is just what Utah needs. I have a great deal of time on my hands once Utah finally landed the Olympics many years ago. I am working 24-7 on this matter and will get back to you in a dream. (I’ll be the one in a red prairie skirt)
Sincerely,
Satan
P.S. Your brother-in-law knows about the snow blower.
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